Ahh, yes. It’s here – the creme de la creme of the calendar year, the blessed time to put down the salad and pick up the (w)ho-ho-hole sweet potato pie, the only time that the thought of a chubby man slip-sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night like it’s a hot girl’s DMs sounds appealing. That’s right, friends, it’s Christmastime and I’m about to teach you how to do it up reaalllllll nice with Not-Your-Mama’s Holiday Guide (unless, of course, you are, in fact, my baby son who has somehow figured out how to use the computer and read because, in that case, this is absolutely your mama’s holiday guide). So, here it goes; five ways to make the most of your holiday season.
- Hoiday Baking Shows – Nothing is going to get you more hyped for whipping up some Christmas-themed goodies than watching Food Network holiday baking competitions. I know what you’re thinking. Watching people bake cinnamon cookies in the shape of a reindeer’s @$$ isn’t your thing. (It’s totally my thing). That’s okay! Apparently Food Network accounted for your (clearly wrong) disinterest! These episodes are packed with D-R-A-M-A, y’all. Go ahead, click over to Holiday Baking Championship. Susan’s gonna be slayin’ that kitchen like Fetty Wap just introduced her to the stove. Raphael’s gonna sprain his toenail and they’re gonna call the ‘medics. These shows are going to serve up so much drama for you, you’re gonna think you’re watching an episode of Dog, The Bounty Hunter – Christmas style. So, go ahead. Get to watchin’.
- Tacky Christmas Clothes – I use the term “tacky” very loosely here because there’s nothing more appropriate to me than wearing a woolen turtleneck up to your eyeballs, trimmed with twinkling lights. What better way is there to say that you’re approachable and ready to jingle ball-out? Spoiler alert: there’s not one. So what if you can’t regulate your body temperature because Karen insists on keeping the office temperature at a toasty 98 degrees Fahrenheit? So what if you nearly blind yourself from the shininess of the bow on top of your head each time you pass a window? We’re celebrating Jesus here, pal, and I don’t think Mary and Joseph shied away from the North Star because it was “too bright” or because “I literally can’t move in this full-body snowman suit”. I mean, forget the last one, but I know you know what I’m saying. You don’t want to square up with me on this. Just don’t show up at Christmas dinner without looking like a gift, okay? Have some respect for yourself.
- Get Sentimental – If there’s ever a time to appreciate your loved ones, it’s now. Sure, Uncle Mike may go a little too hard when he Heismans your little cousin to get the prize-egg at Easter. And, okay, we all get tired of pretending that Cousin Emily, who’s an eighteen-year old freshman in college and is finding herself, isn’t wearing seven push-up bras and telling you about how the new hottie, Brad, she met online (but “hasn’t met yet”) is so awesome. And, yeah, it’s hard to pretend that we don’t know that Brad’s probably going to turn out to be a forty-seven year old man named Carl from Boise, Indiana, but these things are trivial compared to all the love, memories, and joy that your loved ones bring you. I think of my Granny bringing over bottles of sparkling grape juice and trying to stay up with me on New Year’s Eve, but falling asleep. I think of taking hours to decorate our tree with my mom because she always let me look at each ornament carefully and would sometimes pause to play with them because I liked to pretend they were figurines. (I’m not crying, you’re crying). The point is, appreciate your people this season! Try reminiscing on all the ornaments that have meaning to you and of Christmases past (except for maybe ignore the ornament that was supposed to look like an Elf climbing a ladder, but ended up looking more like a stripper climbing a pole). P.S. If you’re a stripper and reading this, I come in peace; that was an art commentary, not a dollar bills in your g-string commentary. Do your thang, honey.
- Donate Something – See? I made that easy for you. I said “something” – not a house a la Extreme Makeovers: Home Edition. Which, honestly, whatever happened to the guy that was the host? As a child, I thought he was such a pivotal celebrity of our time. Anyway, donate. Give love to someone lonely. Give time to an organization that helps others. Give support in someone’s time of need and, yes, give material things if you have the means. The point is to give. Better yet, give and don’t tell. Allow yourself to be in the moment and give from the heart, not for the glory. Okay…..I checked Wikipedia and Ty Pennington of Extreme Makeovers is still doing some home and cooking shows, but the more important development is that his first name is Gary and his middle name is…Tygert. Today is cancelled.
- Don’t Rush – This is the most important thing on this list. Cramming all things holiday into one month is hard enough for regular people, but nearly impossible for perpetual procrastinators – heh heh, not that I’m one or anything, but, like, if you were, this would totally apply to you – BRB, wiping the sweat off my collar. Nothing ruins a good time more than having to rush out the door, hair wet, toilet paper on your shoe, one side of your makeup done, and your body releasing sweat like it’s rainy season in the Amazon (again, not that I’m familiar with that, I can just imagine what it’d be like) and it’s no different for the holiday season. Try to get all of your stuff done in advance, you messy bitch (I read that that’s a term of endearment, I love you). If you can’t get it done in advance, drop the unimportant things from your list, so that you can give your all to what really matters. You won’t regret doing five things really well, but you will regret doing five-thousand things poorly.
So, there you have it! I hope the Not-Your-Mama’s Holiday Guide gives you a fabulous head-start to what is sure to be a memorable holiday season. Leave a comment and tell me what you’re doing to make this holiday season memorable!