Hey, guys! New year, new us (because we’re totally not all still sitting around at home in a baggy t-shirt pinning meal prep recipes and exercises that we’ll definitely start tomorrow), right? We need to get ourselves together, but so does everyone else! Here’s a list of super annoying things that need to be cancelled in the year of our Lord 2018:
- Honking the horn AS SOON as the light turns green – You usually realize that it’s just Carol with the mom-mullet on her way to the PTA meeting or fresh-out-of-high school Sarah in her silver X-Terra. You see that neither of them want to square up as much as they thought they did when you make eye contact with them, but it’s too late. Now everyone has to be late because you have no choice other than to go five mph under the light to teach them patience. (Edit: If someone’s having an emergency, I totally don’t mind moving, but that’s not who this is about.)
- Walking through the door when someone else is trying to get through it – I’m convinced that I must either look like the staff or an accomodating gentleman everywhere I go. 95.6% of the time (very accurate calculation) that I’m in public, Becky and all her friends step through the door when I’m trying to walk through it and I end up holding it open for her entire #squad and the next fifty people that are trying to exit. To avoid looking like I’ve just been used, I sometimes follow Becky and The Jets and giggle along. It usually takes them about a yard to realize what I’m doing (invisible, much?) and they give me a disgusted look and speed up. I look over to any onlookers and say something like, “Okay, Becky. You’re so silly,” and pretend that there’s an inside joke between us. There’s no inside joke. Becky just thinks I’m the doorman. Stop letting the Beckies take advantage of you. #closethedoor2018
- Standing too close to people in line – It’s 2018 and we left all the stuff that gets to us in 2017, friend, but it’s hard to do the calming exercise in line at a busy grocery store where I pretend that I’m in a snowy cabin in the woods with my lumberjack husband busting through the door like the Brawny paper towel man with a dirty mess to clean up when you’re literally BREATHING. DOWN. MY. NECK. like you’re trying to tell me a secret. I don’t need any secrets. Stop it.
- Making “short bus” jokes – This should go without saying, but there’s nothing funny about your “jokes” about people with disabilities. It doesn’t matter how many #staywoke memes you share on Facebook, if you’re still using the “r” word or making fun of those with disabilities, you need some work. I used to argue with everyone who did it, but I realized that’s a bit ineffective and now I just let my soul leave my body for a minute so that I don’t set anything on fire. PROCEED WITH CAUTION: I can’t guarantee that this method is effective and that I’ll be able to Ghandi myself into calmness. You should really just not.
- Backwards compliments – You know them, they usually go something like this: “I love your sweater! It does so much to work with your body!” and you’re left there like, “First of all, my ass is phat. Second of all, yes, this sweater is fetch. Third of all, please leave.” Except you never say, “please leave,” because they’re too passive aggressive to be called out. C’mon!! I seriously wish these people would just go full-mean. You can ask full-mean to go, but it’s a bit harder to clap back when they’re ninja-mean. So, spread the world, y’all. Use all of your balls if you want to insult someone, not just one. One is much easier to miss.
- Going out in public when you’re sick – Have you guys ever seen those type of people that think they’re some kind of American Ninja Warrior or that they’re gonna win a Golden Globe for going to work or school when they’re sick? They seriously act like they’re doing someone a favor or that someone’s going to compliment them for doing it. What makes these people think that their coworkers are going to be happy and congratulate their determination when they’re coughing and sneezing and bragging about how much they vomited through the night? It’s rude and I want to spray a can of Lysol on these people and call the police.
- Constantly bragging in conversation – Don’t get me wrong, we should all be proud of ourselves and share our accomplishments with others, but constantly bragging in conversations definitely needs to be cancelled. For instance, one time I had to ride a couple of towns over with a girl (who knew I was nineteen and mega broke at the time, we new money out heeyah!) and she literally spent the whole time bragging to me about all of her daddy’s money and all of her “lots-of-money” problems. For instance: when it began to rain, “Ugh, I hate this car,” (a brand new BMW) ,”my old car had wipers that would come on automatically,”; when it dropped below ~70~ degrees, “Ugh, I miss my heated seats!”; when we passed a (gasp!) modest, one-story home, “How do people live in something so small? My room is literally that big.”; when anyone in the car was breathing, “I’m super pretty, so that’s something I have to deal with all the time. My house is huge. I’ve got a nice ass. My dad makes a lot of money.” She kept going and I wanted to jump on Vanessa Carlton’s piano and make my way downtown a la the “A Thousand Miles” video, if ya know what I mean. Needless to say, that friendship never took off – creative differences, I think.
So, what’d you think of this list? Too much? Just enough? Should complaining about annoying things be cancelled in 2018, too? Comment below and tell me what you would’ve added to this list!